"Send a Signal That She's Hanging All Her Hopes on the Stars..."

Friday, I got approved for an apartment. It's something that I can afford. It's a two bedroom, so the only ones that will live there will be Cheyenne and I. It's right across from work and I've already told Chey that I would get up earlier in the mornings so that I could take her to school for the rest of the year so she doesn't have to change mid-year. Her junior year, though, she'll be transferring to the closer high school which is also a better high school than where she is now.

This is such an important thing for more than one reason.

One of those being is that I think this will be the first time I (we) have ever lived alone and had our own place. When I graduated high school and had my first apartment, it wasn't mine because my boyfriend at the time moved in. I've always lived with a boyfriend, husband or roommates. This will be the first time that I can remember where I have my own place.

We're going to need furniture and due to requests, I made an Amazon wishlist for just stuff for the apartment located here. It's just a list of ideas to go by and I've tried to keep to the cheapest, usable things that I could find.  So far, most things are from IKEA, Amazon or Target because that's where I found stuff. I am also thinking about getting a futon for the living room instead of a couch because they seem to be cheaper than couches.

Our current move in date is January 7th, but it could happen a few days sooner. It all depends on how soon the people that gave notice leave and how quickly the apartment is put into condition for new tenants.

I have a lot of things going through my mind right now and I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed with everything we're going to need for the apartment, but it's *hard*.

I'm Not All Right, I'm Not Okay, But I'll Seem Fine Anyway

Because I'm thinking about her a lot, I just have to point out just how well my Nana knew me. Apparently, she had started sorting out which of her things went to who in the family before she died. I have never, ever been one to get or want fancy jewelry. Any of you who have met me know this. Nana did, too. She left me a few items of jewelry that to most people would be simple, but to me mean everything.

She left me a gold ring with three small opals in it; an opal pendant surrounded by small diamonds and on a gold chain; a small cameo pendant that was one of the first pictures taken of Chey for Kindergarten; and what looks to be a very old bronze or rose gold ring that originally had three stones in it, but one is missing. I don't know what it is or even what the tiny stones are, but it means the world to me because it's a mystery and something she wanted me to have. She knew these small items (small to most people) would be things I cherished because they came from her.

I came home and realized that after the fire, I don't have any pictures of Nana and I together any longer because the photo album was on the shelf of notebooks by the fireplace. I don't have any photos of any of my family because all of them had been going into that album.

My Uncle Robby let me bring back one of Nana's stuffed bears home with me, but now I wonder if I can ask him and Derek for another after all that's happened. It seems silly, but Nana and I collected stuffed animals and dolls together and right now, I really could use some help feeling her with me.

Because right now, I barely do and it keeps tearing me up inside that I can't feel her and I can't get the grief to come out.

House Fire

I am exhausted, in pain, not feeling well and have the taste of soot in my mouth and lungs.  Bah.

We got a lot done, today, thanks to the help of some wonderful people. I think that all of the surviving furniture except what is in my room was shuffled off to the storage unit. Chey salvaged what she could from her room and I got a great deal of packing done in mine. Even with wearing a face mask, my chest is still hurting -- possibly from the asthma attack that knocked me out of being able to do much for awhile.  It should have stopped me for the day, but I felt bad about asking people to pack stuff up of mine without being there to help.

All that's left for me to pack up seems to be clothing, books and computer stuff and action figures/stuffed animals from the back room and bedclothes and whatever is in my closet.  Most of everything will be going to the storage space until we get a new place. I have no idea what shape the mattress beneath the sodden bedding is in.  I just know that being in the house was not a pleasant thing -- and we get to do it all again tomorrow.

I look forward to a long night of sleep in the future where I don't need to get up early for anything.  For now, I'm with Kajivar and Cheyenne  at Kajivar's hotel room.

See, what happened was that when Chey and I were at a memorial service for our Nana in Arizona, the other two roommates managed to set the house on fire. We got back to Maryland on Thursday night and wanted to cry when we saw what had happened. We managed to find the cat (Cairo) that had been missing since Monday.

Everything is such a mess. Some of my statues for my deities and muses were destroyed -- as well as two of the witchy rosaries a friend had made and sent to me. Several items of bedding that I loved are still soaked with water and it seems that mildew might already be growing in the mattress.

I'm so angry and scared and frustrated. But I can't have any of those external reactions right now. We have a place to stay for the short term -- up to six months, but we don't want to be in our friend's hair for that long.  We want to be on our own.

The apartment complex we want is one that I fell in love with over the summer but Chey didn't want to leave the neighborhood. She says that's not a worry now. She just wants us to find a place and soon.

Some of our friends have started a fundraiser for us Give Forward so that we can replace lost items and help to get us settled and hopefully find a new apartment. Please donate if you can or boost the signal. I should also have a list up soon of things we are going to be in need of. I also have plenty of friends trying to gather donations of clothing, shoes, warm jackets, towels, wash cloths, blankets, and other essentials.

This whole thing has also caused Chey and I not to be able to go to North Carolina for Thanksgiving like we wanted to so badly.  I wanted to have Thanksgiving with my family that I haven't had one with for about ten years. So, not only did we lose our Nana, lose our home, and the trip to spend down time with relatives. I had to upset my mom and sister by disappointing them when they were making plans.

I just... Chey lost almost everything and I lost some things, too.  I'm just so depressed about all of this. I'm so worried about what else what might happen and my anxiety is killing me.

~Scribal

...

Everyone keeps telling me that grieving is a process. Apparently part of the process for me is crying because something I wanted on Etsy -- that I can't afford right now, anyway! -- was sold. I do not like this process. In fact, I don't want there to be a process at *all*.  I want to go back to Saturday and have this never have happened.

WTFF?

I have no words for how angry THIS makes me.

For Sale

One Dell Inspiron Mini 10.  Rarely used and in great condition. Light blue and runs Windows XP on it. It looks just like THIS ONE. -- $150

One unopened copy of Dragon Naturally Speaking Home Version 11 -- $25  SOLD

Desperate times breed desperate measures and that's what this is.  No one has been biting the offered writings or Tarot readings and I am completely broke -- not something that makes me feel very comfortable or stable.

I'm not good at asking help, but now I'm begging.  If you know anyone who might be interested, please point them this way.

Tuesday, Not Monday

So far have done only one Tarot reading since I started offering them, but hope some more people will be interested. I worry that this may be the only way I can afford to go see my Mom for Thanksgiving because I'll soon have to do an oil order for the heat.

In other news, my soul twin is coming to visit today!

She's been one of my best online friends for about ten years and this is the first time we'll be seeing each other face to face.  With her birthday being today and mine being Thursday, it's a good week.  Since we don't get paid until Thursday and Friday, respectively, we don't have much planned, yet.  There'll be writing, watching movies, re-writing movies, probably lots of tea and such.

I'm also going to be giving her the first tarot reading that she has ever had, so that's going to be fun and enlightening.

Obsessively Driven

I have this thing that happens to me sometimes that I call Writer Brain or Obsessive Brain. Chey has other, less polite names for it.  I know this because she has used them often.

What happens is that when my brain goes into Writer Brain status, I get lost in whatever it is I am writing. That's the mild part because at least if I'm just lost in my writing, I'm not hurting myself except for the forgetting to eat or drink thing. Chey is more accepting of this weirdness because I will usually have something to drink next to me and if she's around, she keeps checking to make sure the levels are changing.

The times when Obsessive Brain kicks in is a lot less calm. When my brain goes into this mode I *have* to achieve whatever it is that is in my brain and I can't stop until I am either done or too weak and exhausted to move. My mind drives at me so much that I honestly can't seem to stop.  I try.  I try to interrupt the drive by doing something else or laying down, but within five minutes I'm fidgetty and I have to get back to doing whatever is stuck in my mind. I can't stop it and the doctors can't seem to, either. We're pretty sure that it's related to the Chiari and how much damage was done before the condition was finally arrested.  Not cured, but arrested. There is no cure for Chiari.

The thing that Obsessive Brain has been pushing at me lately to do is FIND the disks or DVDs that I know have backups of my writing and poetry from years ago.  I know they're here somewhere because I have seen them.  I just can't seem to find them. I have boxes stacked against the wall in my study that I keep wanting to go through to find these writings and also get rid of some stuff so my study isn't so cluttered and messy.  (I need more room for a new desk and at least one new bookcase). I want the room to be cleaned and organized so I can get a non-broken desk to sit at my computer when I'm writing in depth novel stuff instead of bending over my laptop when I'm not feeling well.  (That's another thing the NEO2 will allow me to do.  It's so light that I can lay propped up in my bed during the really bad pain times and balance it on my stomach and lap to write.)

So today, since I had such a bad pain day yesterday and the pain has only eased up about a third, I'm trying to resist giving into Obsessive Brain again and let myself relax.

One more thing, I decided to take a breath and try to put myself out there to raise the needed funds for my NEO2 and for Thanksgiving.

Tarot Readings And Stories

If you can contribute in some way, I'd very much appreciate it.  If you can't, then could you please boost the signal for me? That's appreciated, too.

I think for right now that I am curling up with a book, a remote control and my cats...

Working The Idea Out In My Head

Because in addition to the NEO2 that I need, Chey and I would like to be able to go and have Thanksgiving with my parents for the first time in like... almost forever?



Tentative Price Ideas

$1 per 100 words

Considering that I never write below a certain number when I'm aiming to, it's possible that you'll get extra words.

For readings, I figure I can offer four types:

Tarot

1 Card Reading
3 Card Reading (Would require a higher donation)

Medicine Cards

1 Card Reading

Sacred Path Cards

1 Card Reading

I might add more services/readings later as I see how well this works out -- like readings from my Witches Runes or Egyptian Runes (when I can get it) sets.

Readings will be on a complete donation basis and have no set price. Requestor will tell me what they can pay before the reading so there is no confusion or hurt feelings.


I can't seem to get the button link to work here for some reason. My PayPal address is: sehkmetenkare(at)gmail(dot)com

Every little bit helps and any help will be greatly appreciated.

Time ... Time ... Where Does It Go?

You know, one of these days I'm going to remember that I have this on a more regular basis. After all, my mom did create a wonderful header image and layout for me.

So, since June (when I last wrote here) a few things have changed:

1) New roommates. Even though there was stress at the last moment with one of them, things are starting to hopefully balance out. I'm hoping that now I can start breathing again as I shouldn't have to be spending too much monthly to cover everything. I hate being broke all of the time. Not because I'm a shopper -- I *hate* shopping -- but just so I can have money in my bank account and know it's there. That and I've been able to put some of my statues in the main room of the house.  I no longer feel like my religion has to stay behind closed doors in my bedroom.

2) Working on my spiritual path again and the direction Isis and Seshat have been pushing me into. I've actively started working with my cards and runes again and poking at people I'm directed to. In that stream, I have a new Tarot deck that is probably going to be another working deck -- right with my Goddess and Shapeshifter Tarots. I purchased the new Witches Tarot and as with my other two main decks, things are very clear and loud when I use them. Whether they'll stay a personal deck or be used with other people remains to be seen. My Shapeshifter deck is getting a little worn around the edges and I don't want to wear it out completely since I haven't seen it for sale recently in my shop, so the Witches may take their place. I still keep my Feng Shui deck in my bag so I have one with me at all times.

3) I've finally started writing again. I'm working slowly past my blocks and issues and finally being able to accept that I can't be held responsible for the fact that I can usually write 5,000 words to another person's 500. It shouldn't be something that I feel bad about. I'm also trying once again to train my voice recognition software for those times where I need to write but my hands hurt too damn much to allow me to do so. I don't know if I'll have my first novel finally completed and submitted to a publisher by year end like I want to. but it won't be for lack of trying or guilting myself into a full-fledged writer's Fort Knox.

There's a tool I want for my writing that one of my friends suggested I do a "Words For Donations" where I agree to write a story of so many words for a minimum donation amount. Another friend suggested I offer Tarot readings for donations, too. My Goddess won't allow me to charge for readings, but donations and bartering are allowed.

Thoughts In Migraine

Sometimes I think that I try to do too much and then get frustrated when my body and my mind can't take it all. There are things that I need to do and things that I want to do, but I just don't have enough spoons to do it all in the time frames that I set up for myself.

Of course, then when I get so frustrated that I break, people get upset with me or look at me strangely because I am always the one that holds her shit in and together. Every one around me can fall apart and snap at anyone they choose to, but when I do it, I get treated like I have done something wrong.

I try, goddesses know I try, but sometimes it gets so damned hard to hold everything in and be the one that remains calm and serene no matter what is going on around me. It's getting to the point where I don't know how much longer I can hold all of the pieces of myself together.

I have a lot going on in my head and as of late it's really been a struggle to find anything that makes me a worthwhile person. I have a massive case of writer's block, I'm unhappy with my living arrangements. I'm working my ass off for a job change because I really can't handle being on the help desk and overlooked for another year. I haven't just taken the time in ages to sit and commune with my goddesses and my tarot cards -- and those have been my touch points for so many things.

I feel so lonely and alone sometimes lately. I feel like if I don't conform to the media's brand of beauty, I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. I keep putting my writing to the side to deal with what other people would call The Real World -- when they don't realize that writing is a part of my soul and that is how I cope with the so-called real world when my mind is all out of cope.

Why is it so hard to explain to people that the way my brain works now, I need to and have to write. It's not just a want.  I need to do that in order to keep at least part of me from feeling like it's twisting away and making no sense.

And maybe they're right in that it's not a normal way to use to keep your mind together and maybe I am crazy, but this is the best way I have found that keeps me rooted in the here and now.  My writing is what keeps my mind from getting lost in the darkness of depression and in other places that I don't even know how to explain.

Sometimes it doesn't seem like anyone besides Chey believes that I'm taking good care of her. I feel like I get questioned about what I'm doing and how and like someone is just waiting to use it as an excuse to make me feel even worse about not being able to give Chey all of the things that I want so much to be able to give her.