Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I'm Not All Right, I'm Not Okay, But I'll Seem Fine Anyway


Because I'm thinking about her a lot, I just have to point out just how well my Nana knew me. Apparently, she had started sorting out which of her things went to who in the family before she died. I have never, ever been one to get or want fancy jewelry. Any of you who have met me know this. Nana did, too. She left me a few items of jewelry that to most people would be simple, but to me mean everything.

She left me a gold ring with three small opals in it; an opal pendant surrounded by small diamonds and on a gold chain; a small cameo pendant that was one of the first pictures taken of Chey for Kindergarten; and what looks to be a very old bronze or rose gold ring that originally had three stones in it, but one is missing. I don't know what it is or even what the tiny stones are, but it means the world to me because it's a mystery and something she wanted me to have. She knew these small items (small to most people) would be things I cherished because they came from her.

I came home and realized that after the fire, I don't have any pictures of Nana and I together any longer because the photo album was on the shelf of notebooks by the fireplace. I don't have any photos of any of my family because all of them had been going into that album.

My Uncle Robby let me bring back one of Nana's stuffed bears home with me, but now I wonder if I can ask him and Derek for another after all that's happened. It seems silly, but Nana and I collected stuffed animals and dolls together and right now, I really could use some help feeling her with me.

Because right now, I barely do and it keeps tearing me up inside that I can't feel her and I can't get the grief to come out.

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