Sometimes I think that I try to do too much and then get frustrated when my body and my mind can't take it all. There are things that I need to do and things that I want to do, but I just don't have enough spoons to do it all in the time frames that I set up for myself.
Of course, then when I get so frustrated that I break, people get upset with me or look at me strangely because I am always the one that holds her shit in and together. Every one around me can fall apart and snap at anyone they choose to, but when I do it, I get treated like I have done something wrong.
I try, goddesses know I try, but sometimes it gets so damned hard to hold everything in and be the one that remains calm and serene no matter what is going on around me. It's getting to the point where I don't know how much longer I can hold all of the pieces of myself together.
I have a lot going on in my head and as of late it's really been a struggle to find anything that makes me a worthwhile person. I have a massive case of writer's block, I'm unhappy with my living arrangements. I'm working my ass off for a job change because I really can't handle being on the help desk and overlooked for another year. I haven't just taken the time in ages to sit and commune with my goddesses and my tarot cards -- and those have been my touch points for so many things.
I feel so lonely and alone sometimes lately. I feel like if I don't conform to the media's brand of beauty, I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. I keep putting my writing to the side to deal with what other people would call The Real World -- when they don't realize that writing is a part of my soul and that is how I cope with the so-called real world when my mind is all out of cope.
Why is it so hard to explain to people that the way my brain works now, I need to and have to write. It's not just a want. I need to do that in order to keep at least part of me from feeling like it's twisting away and making no sense.
And maybe they're right in that it's not a normal way to use to keep your mind together and maybe I am crazy, but this is the best way I have found that keeps me rooted in the here and now. My writing is what keeps my mind from getting lost in the darkness of depression and in other places that I don't even know how to explain.
Sometimes it doesn't seem like anyone besides Chey believes that I'm taking good care of her. I feel like I get questioned about what I'm doing and how and like someone is just waiting to use it as an excuse to make me feel even worse about not being able to give Chey all of the things that I want so much to be able to give her.
