I'm Not All Right, I'm Not Okay, But I'll Seem Fine Anyway

Because I'm thinking about her a lot, I just have to point out just how well my Nana knew me. Apparently, she had started sorting out which of her things went to who in the family before she died. I have never, ever been one to get or want fancy jewelry. Any of you who have met me know this. Nana did, too. She left me a few items of jewelry that to most people would be simple, but to me mean everything.

She left me a gold ring with three small opals in it; an opal pendant surrounded by small diamonds and on a gold chain; a small cameo pendant that was one of the first pictures taken of Chey for Kindergarten; and what looks to be a very old bronze or rose gold ring that originally had three stones in it, but one is missing. I don't know what it is or even what the tiny stones are, but it means the world to me because it's a mystery and something she wanted me to have. She knew these small items (small to most people) would be things I cherished because they came from her.

I came home and realized that after the fire, I don't have any pictures of Nana and I together any longer because the photo album was on the shelf of notebooks by the fireplace. I don't have any photos of any of my family because all of them had been going into that album.

My Uncle Robby let me bring back one of Nana's stuffed bears home with me, but now I wonder if I can ask him and Derek for another after all that's happened. It seems silly, but Nana and I collected stuffed animals and dolls together and right now, I really could use some help feeling her with me.

Because right now, I barely do and it keeps tearing me up inside that I can't feel her and I can't get the grief to come out.

House Fire

I am exhausted, in pain, not feeling well and have the taste of soot in my mouth and lungs.  Bah.

We got a lot done, today, thanks to the help of some wonderful people. I think that all of the surviving furniture except what is in my room was shuffled off to the storage unit. Chey salvaged what she could from her room and I got a great deal of packing done in mine. Even with wearing a face mask, my chest is still hurting -- possibly from the asthma attack that knocked me out of being able to do much for awhile.  It should have stopped me for the day, but I felt bad about asking people to pack stuff up of mine without being there to help.

All that's left for me to pack up seems to be clothing, books and computer stuff and action figures/stuffed animals from the back room and bedclothes and whatever is in my closet.  Most of everything will be going to the storage space until we get a new place. I have no idea what shape the mattress beneath the sodden bedding is in.  I just know that being in the house was not a pleasant thing -- and we get to do it all again tomorrow.

I look forward to a long night of sleep in the future where I don't need to get up early for anything.  For now, I'm with Kajivar and Cheyenne  at Kajivar's hotel room.

See, what happened was that when Chey and I were at a memorial service for our Nana in Arizona, the other two roommates managed to set the house on fire. We got back to Maryland on Thursday night and wanted to cry when we saw what had happened. We managed to find the cat (Cairo) that had been missing since Monday.

Everything is such a mess. Some of my statues for my deities and muses were destroyed -- as well as two of the witchy rosaries a friend had made and sent to me. Several items of bedding that I loved are still soaked with water and it seems that mildew might already be growing in the mattress.

I'm so angry and scared and frustrated. But I can't have any of those external reactions right now. We have a place to stay for the short term -- up to six months, but we don't want to be in our friend's hair for that long.  We want to be on our own.

The apartment complex we want is one that I fell in love with over the summer but Chey didn't want to leave the neighborhood. She says that's not a worry now. She just wants us to find a place and soon.

Some of our friends have started a fundraiser for us Give Forward so that we can replace lost items and help to get us settled and hopefully find a new apartment. Please donate if you can or boost the signal. I should also have a list up soon of things we are going to be in need of. I also have plenty of friends trying to gather donations of clothing, shoes, warm jackets, towels, wash cloths, blankets, and other essentials.

This whole thing has also caused Chey and I not to be able to go to North Carolina for Thanksgiving like we wanted to so badly.  I wanted to have Thanksgiving with my family that I haven't had one with for about ten years. So, not only did we lose our Nana, lose our home, and the trip to spend down time with relatives. I had to upset my mom and sister by disappointing them when they were making plans.

I just... Chey lost almost everything and I lost some things, too.  I'm just so depressed about all of this. I'm so worried about what else what might happen and my anxiety is killing me.

~Scribal

...

Everyone keeps telling me that grieving is a process. Apparently part of the process for me is crying because something I wanted on Etsy -- that I can't afford right now, anyway! -- was sold. I do not like this process. In fact, I don't want there to be a process at *all*.  I want to go back to Saturday and have this never have happened.